How do I begin? I don’t even know..I knew I wanted to post something about how I have been feeling lately..but just don’t know to go about it…So here is a warning- This might be all over the place. I am usually bad at writing my feelings. I like to talk about them, but doing a video on this would most likely make me cry and I won’t be able to speak. At least I can cry and wipe my tears and you won’t see the tears all over my words.
You see pictures of me on instagram or thumbnails on my videos and see a smile and think everything is perfect in my life..well, I was editing some vlogs this week and certain parts I noticed unhappiness in my eyes. The one below in particular. I look sad. I want to reach through the screen and hug me. I look like I am just not all there.
This might be a little different side of me to most of you since you all usually see my sense of humor and my sillyness with a huge smile. Let’s face it..we are all not happy 100 percent of the time. I have been hiding behind a smile for the past week. I used to hear people say “I am hiding behind this smile” and I never understood it and thought it sounded silly, but I understand it clearly now.
I am sad. I am un-happy. I don’t know why. It’s not Postpartum depression. It’s a cry out for attention I am guessing and I don’t want to admit that but I feel that’s what it is. I guess I feel alone and put down by so many friends lately. Like my life is boring to all of them and because I have kids I am now an alien to them and someone who they have no interest for. I am always there for my friends when they need someone to talk to. I am there when they have relationship issues, family issues, or if they are bored. Sad thing is , I come to find out..they don’t have free time for me.
Now , I know I have a family who is here for me. Larry (My husband) and my two beautiful babies. Trust me! I appreciate them and I love them more than anything. Larry has been trying to be here for me but it’s hard because we live together and have been arguing so when that happens..again I feel alone. The other day I just got in my car and drove off to a target parking lot and sat there crying listening to music. As I was sitting there I was getting so upset with myself and realizing I am picking these fights and I am crying over nothing.
All I can think about are the negative things in my life right now and It has been bringing me down. Today has been a little better I have been smiling more and have more energy so I know it’s going away but back to how I am letting negative thoughts get to me…Youtube being one. I don’t get as much criticism as some youtubers because my following isn’t so big, but I feel like giving up sometimes because I work so hard on it and feel like I get nothing out of it.
Next..my appearance.. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I have done videos about loving yourself but sometimes you can’t help but look at yourself and think yuck why do I look like this today. Why doesn’t this fit? How did that girl lose so much weight after her baby and I didn’t? I am a pretty positive person but man these feelings of my appearance were eating me up.
Okay I need to stop with all this BS above and just tell you guys what happened last week. I didn’t film for two days and usually I film everyday whether it be a daily vlog or a beauty/fashion video…well, I had a breakdown..remember I told you I am crying out for attention? Well, I had scary thoughts ..here goes… suicidal thoughts. Weird thing is I know I wouldn’t hurt myself because I love my children so dearly and that would be selfish of me to do something so stupid. So, it was just thoughts in my head but I would quickly pray and think of other things..but why when I was cutting a sandwich I thought about the knife going in me? A cry for attention? Or is that now what I am telling myself to stick up for myself? If that makes sense. ? Suicide is no joke or anything to use to get attention but this was scary to me. Why these thoughts? why?! I knew I had to try to control them. I swear to all of you and to my family and to GOD I would never ever kill myself…The two days of thinking of those suicidal thoughts are gone completely but it was scary. I called my Dad and told him. Only him. He was there for me and I cried on the phone and I let him know not to worry I wouldn’t do anything , but I guess I just needed to tell someone and my Dad was there for me and I thank him for listening and taking me seriously and not telling me I just wanted attention.
WOW I can’t believe i’m sharing this with strangers but honestly..I am feeling so much better at this moment. The tears I was just crying have stopped. I am strong. I know this because I pushed those selfish feelings aside. We have bad days. If you have a day where you just want to crawl in a hole or leave … please just take a deep breath and pray or call someone and don’t be afraid to hide how you are feeling. If you don’t have anyone…write a letter to yourself and you will see it’s all just sillyness and it will subside.
I hear my husband and my kids in the other room right now and I can’t help but smile. I almost want to delete this whole post because everything I posted above is gone. It’s not how I feel anymore,but it was ONCE how I felt and I can prove to you and tell you if you ever feel this way it will go away and nobody is perfect. Thank you for reading this and whoever you are I appreciate your time. You gave me time in your life. Stranger or not. I appreciate it.
UPDATE: I was in denial I guess and now I can admit it was postpartum. Reach out for help if you are ever feeling this way.